Normally my posts are about my knitting, this is something completely different that I feel I have to get off my chest.
I have Agoraphobia.
I look normal, I sound normal I can talk to people and carry out some everyday tasks, but underneath my happy demeanour I am a nervous wreck. I may be shaking with fear, I may be having palpitations, I may be perspiring greatly. I feel physically sick each and every time I have to leave the house. Going out alone is almost beyond my capabilities. I can take the dog out to do her business, I can go to work, a place where I have people I know and trust, but a trip to the local shop or heaven forbid a supermarket leaves me in a turmoil for days afterwards. Oh yes at the time I smile and hold my head high like I am perfectly calm and in control, but just like a swan, below the surface the paddling going on is unbelievable. The minute I return to the safety of my wee house with hubby and pets I feel as if the whole axis of my world shifts from one of panic to a relaxed and calm state.
When I am out and about with another person, I have nearly no problems. (Although large supermarkets do still strike fear.) I can enjoy my day out and my surroundings without breaking into panic mode.
Why am I like this? I really cannot answer that question. It at times seems to me that I am being silly. After all I am a middle aged woman. I should be able to deal with whatever. I really have no idea why this has invaded my being. Looking back I used to be a strong, independent woman, working and running a home. I found it hard to say no to people and at times I became a tad overwhelmed with what I had on my plate. Maybe this is the reason, maybe I am afraid that I still cannot say no, that I will become overwhelmed again. One day soon I hope to find out and begin a plan to return to the woman I once was.